I have been watching a lot of movies recently.  I think it's cause class is out and I have no boyfriend to waste time with, but last night I was watching Untraceable.  It's a film about a guy who posts murders on a livefeed website, and the more people who visit the site = the faster the victim dies.  The first victim was a kitty.  You see the guy staple a giant sticky roach trap on the floor in front of a bowl of milk.  Then he lets the cat out of its kennel.  The poor guy gets its feet stuck, just out of reach from the bowl.  Later its face gets stuck, too.  This scene disturbed me way more than any of the human murders. 

I think that says a lot about me.  People always give me a weird look when I say I prefer animal company to that of people.  It's not a choice a made, that's just how I am.  Surely I should have more compassion for my own kind than for another related species. 

So, I've concluded that my head is messed up inside.

I feel like the last four months of my life have been dark and monotonous.  I can't remember doing anything but day to day things since September.  I slept too much, went to work, came home and went to bed. 
A few days ago, I finally felt more like myself than I had in ages.  I woke up early, had breakfast, I felt pretty even.  My day went pretty well, until I got a phone call.  The caller was intoxicated, and could think of nothing to say but how I deserved better and that my life was sad.  I couldn't believe it-I don't want or need people's pity.  It only makes me feel more depressed and I end up hating my life even more because of those people. 
So on the day I finally feel my old self surfacing, she is shoved back because of one person's insensitivity.  Apparently, I am not going to be allowed to get past this part of my life. 
I want people to remember Jeff, but not because he is dead.  I want them to talk about his accomplishments and his jokes and personality.  But, I don't want pity looks from anyone.  I want people to see me as stronger for having this in my life.  I want them to see my triumphs as Jeff's triumphs.  I dont want them to think he was my downfall.  He changed me in many ways, and not one of them was a bad or weak change.  I want to live the things Jeff taught me, but I can't do that if people keep dragging me down into despair. 
So, I ask of you this: remind me of Jeff, don't remind me that I am alone and that I deserve better.